Gratitude

Warning: I'm an ungrateful douche bag.

I should be happy that my family loves me enough to send me stuff. Even if I am the person paying for the shipping.

I should be happy that they sent me a Christmas tree. Even if I was paying for the shipping on it, didn't want it and fucking hate putting up trees that no one else will see. I live alone here in Japan right now.

I am grateful for the good stuff they sent- god knows I needed the long underwear. God knows I needed the clothes they sent. Again... I paid for the shipping. And I said thank you. And sent presents back that I paid for the shipping for.

I should be grateful that they sent me cake mix, icing and movies I don't want to watch. Even when I asked for something else entirely when they badgered me for a recommendation on what I wanted. And paid for the shipping. And don't have an oven large enough to make a cake well.

It's great that they love me enough... but then they FUCKING EXPECT GUSHING PRAISE BECAUSE I LOVED THE STUFF THEY SENT SO MUCH WHEN I DIDN'T WANT IT, DIDN'T NEED IT AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CLEANUP. AND PAID FOR THE SHIPPING ACROSS THE GODDAMN PLANET.

AND THE THING I DID WANT?

Yeah. They never sent it.

I'm complaining when my life is really good right now. I know this. But I have to clean up after stuff when the reason they are sending me things is not for me. They're sending it to make themselves feel better and give themselves a big fat pat on the back. And I'm the one paying for it and having to fix the mess and find ways to get around it. I'm really damn flustered about this shit. Their self-congratulations is getting strangling and I am emotionally unbalanced right now because I'm sad about leaving Japan in a few weeks.

But what really pisses me off is that they aren't doing this for me- it's for themselves. I have tried to be polite and quiet but I'm just... aghast. I'm paying for it. All of it. And I have enough shit to deal with right now and I don't want to deal with them thinking I'm a bitch for now being fawningly grateful.

No, I don't fucking want to watch Avatar. I never said I wanted to watch Avatar. Or Harry Potter. GAH.

Fuck.